No one really knows what I’ve been through or how much I’ve had to struggle, or how long I’ve actually been an adult with no freedom or childhood. Yet everyone like to tell me what to do or how to do it or when to do it. I’m a grown woman. I’ve taken care or kids, paid bills, and found my own mode of transportation. This is my life. I will live it how ever I want to live it. I will make my own mistakes and learn from them.
I am a human. I am not perfect.
At exactly 11:11. I didn’t realize I did until I hung up the phone this morning (that’s right, this morning. We stayed on the phone all night even tho I feel asleep. When I woke up he was still there) I guess it’s only natural since he is the only thing I wish for now-a-days.
Or if I’m just really fat.
I mean seriously.
It’s like a black hole er something.
Remember that episode of family guy when they hire that maid and she’s cleaning Peters belly button and she just keeps pulling stuff out..
That’s how I feel about my belly button.
It just keeps going.
What if I actually find something it there..
Am I the only one like this??
I feel as if the events that have unfolded before me yesterday/today were uncalled for and therefore should be stripped from the very fabric of the universe so that I am able to continue the life that I lead without futher interruption from the train wreaking thoughts that compliment those actions..
I’m just typing words, but seriously. It was uncalled for and it needs to go away.
On top of that I’m kinda wishing I didn’t agree to something that I did agree to a while back because now I’m having seconds thoughts about the whole thing and I’m kinda not ready to give up my freedom for the sake of someone else. I’m a nice person, always have been. And I will always help a friend in need. That’s just the way I am, but it always, always, always comes back to bite me in the ass. No matter how good, or nice, or helpful I am. People take advantage of my kindness and I give them the benefit of the doubt all the time.
I’ll never learn will I??
He’s such an ass to me. Like for serious?! Why would you get me all excited like this if you’re just gonna turn around and do it with someone else. Ass hat. I mean in a way I guess I’m glad that we “used” to be friends because if we weren’t I would have never met the best person in the world and my soul wouldn’t be as happy. I still think you’re an ass tho and this is offically the end of our friendship. Sorry bro. I really, really can’t do it anymore with you.. Sooooo go be a bitch somewhere else.
People make me RAGE!!!
Where I started to think about the significance of life and all that good stuff, and for a brief moment it was as if I wasn’t living. It was werid and I don’t really know how to explain it, but everything was surreal for a good 10 minutes. Kinda like I was floating outside of my body watching everything..I needa lay off the drugs man xD.
Idk I’m a weird one and that was a weird moment fill with weird actions, deep thoughts, and awkward moments. I’m used to it.
Getting back on track with my exercises
I don’t even know what to do with him anymore. Its like I take one step in the right direction to take two steps in the wrong. I don’t know what he wants from me. I’m sorry I’m that unattractive, that awkward, that ugly to the point where you can’t make up he mind about us, about me. Honestly I’m fed up. I’m done with it. He obviously has nothing else to give and I obviously want nothing else from him. So I’m done playing games. Don’t expect me to honor some stupid gf code. He can only break my heart so many god damn times.
On the bright side I’m signing up for Tough Mudder today!! Woooooooo!! Gonna be fun as hell, but also really really exhausting. Who cares, I’m ready for this! Been training my ass off just to do an obstacle course with fire, electroshocks, and zombies!!
Smdh! Look how scatter brain I am. Ranting about a boy and then talking about physical fitness. I need some serious help man. Serious help.
I set myself up for this. I told myself last night that it would be ok if he didn’t come and that I could do this for me. I am going hiking just to go hiking. There are no extras, but sadly I’m sitting here on this couch in someone elses house wondering if he’s gonna come by today. I’ve already been told that he might not come because he has other things to do, but still..I’m allowing myself to believe that he might come with us all today. I needa be more careful with this kind of stuff. , not be so…what’s the word?? Disappointed when I hear information about him and his where abouts and what not.
Oh well. Guess I have to deal now. I’ll go hiking, with all his friends, and try to forget about him…with all his friends..this is not gonna be easy man..
I went hiking yesterday and I was expecting like some type of nature walk shit ya know, admire the view with a trial and all that good stuff. Umm no, that’s not what happened at all. We pull up to red rock and there’s the trail and stuff and my group slowly starts turning to the mountians. So I’m like “Ok there must be a trail behind the moutian that we’re gonna hike.” These bitches start climbing the damn mountain! Like legit shit. But I don’t bitch about it. I’m down and I start to climb my happy ass up the side of this mountian. And this isn’t like climb the mountian with a path to show you where to go. This is like grabbing rocks and lowering yourself down narrow cracks and hanging of the edge of a cliff dare devil type shit! I was scared for my life man! And everytime we reached the top of one mountian there would be another one behind that shit and we really wouldn’t be at the top of the mountian. It was some crazy shit and I was scared for my life, but it was sooo much fun and it was sooo worth it! Plus I’m so sore in the best way possible and I haven’t felt this pain in a while!
It was awesome and I’m gonna do it all again tomorrow.
Like for serious. THERE IS NO FOOD IN THIS HOUSE OF MINE!! :’(
It is the end of the day, well my day anyway since I’m finally laying in bed. I kinda wish I did have work today. It would have kept my mind off of some things that I really do not care much about. But instead I’m sitting here in my bed still thinking about those things. Oh how they haunt me. I wish I would have stayed home that one day. I wouldn’t be thinking about this right now because it wouldn’t have happened. I would be free from all this pain and suffering. UGH! Why is it that I find myself drawn to him? Why do I crave his touch? WHY?! I wish he would get out of my head already. Hurt me so I can just hate you and then slowly have that hate turn into me just not caring anymore. It sucks because I keep replaying what we did over and over again in my head. It’s like a movie stuck on loop ‘er something. And I’m not doing it on purpose. I could just be sitting there, minding my own business doing things that have nothing to do with you and then all of a sudden, POP there they are..those thoughts, actions, and word that we said and did to/with each other. They just won’t go away..I don’t even know what to do anymore man..I want you to want me just as bad and then..yea..It’s going to be a long night. A really long night.
I blog about my feelings here not in the hopes that someone will read them and feel sorry for me and want to befriend me ‘er anything like that. I blog them because well I’ve been holding in everything for so long and I’m starting to crack. It’s almost like I’m braking from the inside out and now it’s finally starting to show on the surface. I’m no longer any good at concealing my emotions from the public. This sucks man. If my post bug you just unfollow me..I don’t have time or the emotional stability to deal with internet abuse at the moment.
I discover a new dubstep and all I want to do is touch myself and listen to the song on repeat..This is my life right now. This song is just so..oh my damn..words cannot…I can’t…ughhhhh!! So good!!
I let him find his way back into my heart. I didn’t mean to. I mean yea I went over knowing he would be there. HELL, he was the one that invited me, but I thought other people were gonna be there too. And I had to leave in like three hours to go to work any who so I didn’t see what the big deal was at the moment. Sure enough three hours was all he needed to make me want him again. That ass. I think the likes playing with my girly emotions just because he knows he has me right where he wants me.. I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship. Ya know, the kind where the girl knows that he’s no good for her, but she’s in denial and she just keeps going back. I’m doing that to myself right now. I know nothing is ever going to change between us and I know a little space will do me good, yet I keep going back. It kinda reminds me also of Scott Pilgrim. Ya know, how Ramona Flowers has that chip implanted in the back of her head..I feel like there is a chip in the back of my god damn head. That ass. And when he picked me up the other day and threw me on the couch and pinned me there…oh my damn…oh..my..damn… I’m such a dirty hoe man. And a sucker. I guess I have to get my heart broken for the third time before I realize that love just isn’t worth it anymore. Swear! If I were dancing right now this would not be a problem. But I’m not dancing, so I have to deal. The nights when I really, really feel like shit are the worst tho. Hate ‘em man. Hate ‘em.
Srs tho..what is my life..